Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Sucks


1.  Lisbeth Salander is the kind of lesbian we like: a fake one  
         Like movie lesbians tend to do, Lis has a single lesbian scene, which is clunky and alcohol fueled, and later throws herself at Daniel Craig and falls in love with him.  It makes us guys feel awesome and keeps conservative moms from storming out of the movie theater.  
         She is a caricature of every social outsider who has ever appeared in fiction.  And sticks out like a sore thumb in a movie populated by ultra boring characters.  Nobody else even has the slightest quirk, and she is a man hating goth lesbian genius level hacker with a drug problem and a terrible hair cut.  

(could have sworn we saw this character already)

(the brains)
(the style)
(goth "bad-assedness"  brooding.  hatred.  vengeance.  they basically ripped off the entire character)
(social nonacceptance)

(Yes, three hours of her)

This character is so over the top and out of place, this is what it's like: 

(The Sopranos, starring Big Bird)

Reminds me of another ultra boring, 3 hour snoozefest,  cardboard movie with an insane character that makes no sense.
(There's like no blood, but there is a character that speaks like a cartoon character in a laughable, unrecognizable accent.  Watch this movie again, imagining that Daniel Day Lewis is a retarded person, and it seems to make more sense.)

Another example of what Lisbeth is Like
Tommy Wiseau's performance in The Room is more believable than Lisbeth in The Girl with the title too long to type.  

More Overacting in bad accents

(Have you seen the 6 minute preview for this movie?  You can't understand Bane at all.
Can't wait for this match-up.  Unintelligible Scottish accent through a leather mask vs. hoarse grunting in mascara.  Summer movie magic. Thank god for the Avengers.)

Now we're way off topic.  But Seriously, Lisbeth's character is fucking stupid.

2.  More endings than Lord of the Rings
          a.  Lisbeth witnesses the flaming death of the bad guy and rescues Daniel Craig.  The scene goes black.
          b.  Another bad guy, barely mentioned in a by-line at the beginning of the movie, gets all his money stolen by Lisbeth in a ridiculous montage set to techno music.  Another cut to black.  
          c.  They find the supposed dead girl alive--the whole point of the movie was to find her killer--and she is reunited with her family who thought she had been dead the whole time.  Why didn't she just contact them when she was interviewed by Daniel Craig the in the first place and asked, "Who killed this girl?"  Another fade to black.  
          d.  Lisbeth, goes to Daniel Craig's house to give him some heartfelt gift that I can't even remember now--that's how important it was to the story--and sees that he's with a normal looking woman that doesn't have ridiculous bangs.  The End for real.  

3. What the hell was this movie even about? 
         The major plot of the movie is that Daniel Craig and Lisbeth are hired to find a girl's killer.  She ends up being alive the entire time, and has been a person they know.  That was easy.  We didn't even have to look.  Why the hell did this movie even happen?
The "killer" had been sending the man who hired the 2 super sleuths framed flowers every year since the girl's "death."  This is never explained.  I guess it was the girl?  Probably just plot convenience.  Seriously, they have a picture of the girl and talk to her adult self without noticing it's her.  it had only been like 20 years.  It's not like she's Michael Jackson.  

(Excuse me Madame, Have you seen my son?)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Love Story, Maybe

This is a love story, or not. It can be a love story if you want, between Hans and Anna, but it doesn't really matter, because this story ends like every story does: they both die. Don't be surprised; that's how every story would end if the writer didn't quit.

Hans and Anna met at a bar, or ice-cream social, again it doesn't really matter, the setting doesn't really play such a huge part. It's just a mechanism to get the characters together. The bar/ice-cream social was crowded, or empty, and Hans accidentally spilled his drink/ice-cream down the back of Anna's new blouse, shirt, jacket, the details really don't matter because you know, everyone eventually dies, but I'll quit mentioning that. Anyway, they meet, and it's love.

[insert cliched funny movie meeting scene]
“Oh, sorry about that”
“It's okay.”
“Here let me get that.” “Here let me get that.” both simultaneous.
Napkinned hands meet, eye contact.
Sweet, cautious, first kiss between future lovers.
Visions of ranch style homes and vacations to Napa. Not eminent death.

Or maybe it was that other cliched scene, if you want. Again, this doesn't really matter, I mean, everybody ends up dying, it's pointless really. No, stay positive, life's not just a fleeting series of awkward moments accentuated by alcohol/ice-cream. It can't be; that would just be cruel. Is existence just a cruel series of unfortunate revelations? Stop thinking like that. Here's the other possible scene:

[insert cliched angry movie meeting scene]
“Hey, bitch. Watch where you waddle that thing.”
“Fuck you, short dick. It's fucking crowded in this bar/ice-cream social, watch out.”
He points finger, she hits it away, eye contact.
Hard drunken/sugar-high make-out kiss.
Imagery of clasped wrists and neck biting. A little death. I mean, you know they're going to die, how can you not think of it? Cause everybody dies in the end...damn it, okay I'll stop giving away the ending. Sorry. But you don't know how they die, so keep reading. It's of old age. God damn it.

Let's just start fresh.
There's these two high school kids: Jodie and Nicholas. They die in a fiery car accident. Fuck! Sorry. Back to the original story it's almost over:

They have a sweet/angry, passionate/sex-fueled, kiss/tongue hump. It's good/adequate, and they quickly exchange phone numbers because Anna's there with her boyfriend/girlfriend who happens to be in the bathroom/outside fucking a midget—again, these details are trivial, it's just stuff placed for plot convenience—at the time and she has to get back.
Hans and Anna never saw one another again, and died roughly 60 years later.

The End

See it was a twist ending after all.